Journal Entry: The Beginning of the Weight Loss Journey

Where do I begin?

Over the past few months, I’ve been working with my doctor to lose weight. I’m 298 lbs, and I have low T because of it. My doctor wants me to lose 20 lbs in six months to see if my Testosterone levels rise. I told him I could do it in a month, so I’m writing this post.

It’s to mark ground zero of my weight and to start a new goal. I’ve always struggled with my weight. My relationship with food is terrible because I overeat and don’t know when to stop; I eat and eat, and I ignore the warning pang in my stomach to stop eating.

When I perceive danger in my mind, that’s when I overeat. Eating gives me a space to relax and not worry, and it comforts me and rids me of any anxiety. I love eating, and the love of eating is destroying me. I’m pre-diabetic, have high blood pressure, and have low Testosterone. Along with weak knees and hard breathing. Why? Because of my obesity. Because of a lack of discipline. Because of my carelessness.

Though medicine is partially to blame for my current weight, I have no excuse because I lost 100 lbs while on Seroquel and Lithium. I gave up and let my thoughts get the best of me. When I lost 100 lbs, I gave myself a lot of grace and mercy. Suppose I made the mistake of overeating. I would forgive myself and do better next time. I chose not to be cruel to my mind because it is a fragile mechanism.

Our mind is weak, and it’s powerful. Simply giving perspective and adding hopeful mantras, your mind feeds on that and begins the mode of operations. Your mind operates differently, and you begin to have hope. By simply stating, “I’m not there YET.” Yet gives hope and reason to press on and to paint a picture of better days.

Another way I lost weight is by replacing my habits. Based on the book, The Power of Habits, I could track my habit loops — the cue, routine, and reward. This outline unlocked the power to produce results, and identifying routine allows me to find my pattern and observe the reward. For example, my stomach is full from dinner (cue), I reach for a cigarette (routine), and I get a hit of dopamine via nicotine (reward). I aim to change the pattern (routine) to change the habit.

I can do this. I’ve done it before, and I can do it. The first time I lost all the weight, I focused on replacing my habits, and I stopped drinking soda and started drinking carbonated drinks. I replaced fast food with salads, and eventually, I started running. Once I reach 240 lbs, I will start running. It’ll be easier on the joints. I remember how much I loved running. The runner’s high you get after a long run. I miss running.

In conclusion, the path that I’m on requires courage and consistency. I’ll fail, but that’s not what defines me. I’ll keep going, and I’ll keep fighting to reach my goal. I’ll run the race to win the prize for a better version of myself. I didn’t talk much about it, but the change will occur in the brain.

As I focus on better decisions, my brain becomes more healthy. My brain is sick right now, and the cure is self-awareness. The more my awareness expands I’ll be able to change my brain. I’ll picture myself at a lower weight, with lower blood pressure and a happier life. I’ll get there for our health and the transformation on this weight loss journey.